A Stumble in the Dark

Dear Tolkien:

I just wanted to write to you to tell you that I am not dead. I feel as though I will be repeating that statement often. I am also still in school, and will need to get back to my studies shortly. I have criminal law that I need to read, especially if the fickle finger of fate decides to pick on me again. Which I hope not, I love that class but as soon as I am chosen, I freeze up.

They say we leave our brains in our stomachs and our stomachs in our seat when we stand. I’m pretty sure I just left mine at home- it was the worse case to ask me about. I couldn’t answer a single question, and in the long run that’s okay, we will be tested on the color book, but you still look like a fool. Most definitely if you are asked if you read: in front of the whole class.

No matter if you said yes or no, the question has already been raised, can I move for co-counsel? It was pretty humiliating, and a little hurtful (not gonna lie, I hid in the back of the library). What is worse, it could have ruined my election. How could I be a Justice if I don’t read, and then lie to the class and the professor about it? You couldn’t.

The class didn’t see it that way, they saw it as a hard case, one that many would have struggled with. And as arrogant as this sounds- I shouldn’t have struggled. I should have been better- the best. As unrealistic as this is, this is how law school is.

But I was elected. But for some reason, I wasn’t completely happy about it. I felt as though I didn’t deserve it, that maybe someone else should have. I felt guilty.

Sir, two weeks ago we had a practice exam. When I started to take it, I nearly broke down and shut down. All I could do was re-read, wondering when we learned everything, and how to apply it. I panicked, I nearly just sat the whole 45 minutes and waited it out.

Then I said no. That’s not fair to me, and it’s not fair to Professor Criminal Law. I have to at least try. So I did as best I could, I got through it, and it might not have been pretty, but I did it. And it was done.

I then promptly went home and cried myself to sleep. I thought of how horribly I had done with my criminal law interview. I thought about how terribly I had done on my mock exam. I thought about how I was nothing like Holmes, H.L.A. Hart, or Blackstone.

And you.

You worked so hard in school- undergraduate and graduate- that you were given scholarships. You were a part of societies that created realms that many have tried to recreate. You went to Oxford, taught at Oxford. You are one of the most influential persons in my life.

And I can’t even get into a tier one school. Or a tier two…whatever that is. Nope. So how am I to get into Oxford, with its amazing comparative international program, when I won’t be anywhere close to the same here in boring old USA?

Especially when I cannot even respond properly in class.

But the week got better, the moment passed. I did know what I was doing in criminal law, in fact I thought of most of the answers the professor did. Even on the exams we had, I managed a medium B on the curve (a good friend of mine set the curve!), and I know where I need to concentrate.

I’m not going to fail. I will succeed. It will be okay.

Sincerely,

N. R.